The Incredible Shrinking David and the Enormous Women from Outer Space, Episode III

Forgive me if tonight's post is perfunctory and not very entertaining. It's Friday evening, and I'd like to spend the bulk of it playing Dragon Quest 8. Besides which, now that I think about it, I don't seem to remember much in the way of catastrophic feminine encounters between fourth grade and high school. I'm sure I had my fair share of unrequited infatuations during that time, but apparently none of them had enough psychological impact to be memorable.

A few incidents from high school do stick out in my memory, perhaps only because the experiences are more recent. I'd like to share two such incidents with you, the two I think are the most interesting.

First off, there was Lisa. This was during my sophomore year. I remember Lisa for several reasons, certainly not the least of which was her physique. Lisa was... I don't know how else to say it; she was a big girl. I don't mean that she was fat, I mean she was tall, and not muscular, not plump, but that perfect center between the two. Think Sally from "Third Rock from the Sun." The point is, I found her very attractive. And by some stupid fluke of fate, I wound up seated right next to her in my literature class for an entire semester. Now, some might think this would be a dream come true. But consider the two most memorable experiences I'd had with women at that point, and I think you can understand why it would seem more like a nightmare to me. Nevertheless, over the course of the semester I managed to develop a rather amicable relationship with Lisa, and there were a couple times where... this is what she would do: She would kiss her fingers, and then ever-so-gently she would touch my arm with the fingers she had just kissed.

This only happened maybe three or four times, but God help me, if I could only have figured out what I did to inspire that action, well, I'm sure I'd be in a much better spot now than I am. As it was, the semester came and went and things never got any further than that.

I did see her again one time. I ran into Lisa in the hallway while she was helping a friend out with a photography project or something and Lisa asked me to pose with her for a picture. I don't know whatever happened to the photograph that was taken, but if you could find it what you would see on my face is absolutely the most genuine smile I have ever produced in front of a camera.

So that's my story of Lisa. Next we shall hear of an even stranger case.

Namely, we shall hear the case of Nikki. Nikki struck me as the sort of girl who didn't care much about grades or school, the sort of girl who really only cared about having as much fun as she could manage. Or maybe it was just that the way she talked made it sound like she was drunk in class half the time. In any case, she was the sort of girl who it wouldn't make any sense at all to have any interest in me whatsoever.

And yet, that was the impression I got.

It was just little things, for the most part. She just seemed to pay a little more attention to me that most girls, laugh a little too hard at my jokes, that sort of thing. And yet, on more than one occasion she made very clear mention of her boyfriend and how they would inevitably marry. I say "inevitably" because the way she spoke of this made it sound more like a prison sentence than a joyous union. Still, I've always been very proprietary when it comes to relatioships, so the mention of a boyfriend was enough for me to dismiss any notion that she might be at all interested in me.

Except for this one incident. If not for this one incident I probably wouldn't remember Nikki at all. I believe it was... no, it WAS the day before Spring Break. Also known as "Senior Skip Day." I was a junior at the time and most of the rest of the class were seniors, so the class was pretty empty, despite the fact that we were supposed to give presentations that day. Surprisingly--considering that Nikki had probably been taking advantage of Senior Skip Day since before she even entered high school--Nikki (a senior) was one of the few people in attendance. Well, considering the low attendance, the atmosphere in the classroom was pretty casual, so I felt no discomfort about sitting on a desk--"on" as opposed to "in" the desk, as they are meant to be used--to listen to one of the other groups' presentations. This is where it starts to get weird. Nikki comes over and sits right next to me on the very same desk. Now, I'm talking about a high school desk, here: basically a chair with a board across the seat for you to write on. And we're both sitting on the board part. Now, I've never been much for physical contact; anyone who knows me can tell you I don't like to hug, or sit on the same couch, or accidentally brush up against other people. So naturally, I scoot over a bit to make room for Nikki. In response, Nikki grabs my shirt, pulls me back over, and makes some comment to the effect of "You don't need to go anywhere."

Wow. Awkward.

So I spent the rest of the period not quite sure what to make of the situation, followed by an excruciating Spring Break wondering what the Hell it was all about. But, again, the semester came and went and things never got any further than that.

Well, it's almost 8:00 now and I STILL haven't played any DQ8, so I'd better wrap this up now. So, what have we learned today?

1) Women do strange, inexplicable things.

2) A semester is never enough time to figure out why they do these things.

That's it for me. For you, I bid warm sandwiches and cool sheets.