David's History with Women, Episode I
Welcome back. As promised, today I shall provide for you a graphic description of my various encounters with the opposite sex over the past 15 years or so. But first, I'd like to establish a convention for this blog.
First and foremost, I want D.Levine Industries to be a place of learning--for you, for me, for everyone. After all, what good is it to stockpile ridiculous amounts of trivial information if we cannot glean at least some wisdom from it? To that end, at the conclusion of each post, I'd like to reflect back on my inane ramblings and petty whining for the day and try to determine what truth may have been revealed therein. Since I didn't get to do this for my first post, I'd like to take some space here to go back over it.
So, what did we learn from "The World is a Safe Place?" I believe there are two very important lessons to be found in this modern parable:
1) Reality can never live up to the expectations of the imagination.
2) Trying to help others leads only to embarassment.
Not exactly spiritually uplifting, I suppose, but very important lessons, nonetheless.
Okay, enough of this sentimental crap, let's get on to the hardcore stuff!
I've decided to begin telling this history from when I was in third grade. I suppose this somewhat diminishes the completeness of this chronicle, since certainly I have memories of females before this period. It was in third grade, however, when a particular series of events... how shall I say... set the tone, for basically every intergender relationship I've had since.
Her name was Katie, as I recall. She had brown hair and olive skin. At some point during the school year, I came to the conclusion that I liked this girl, which is to say, I found her attractive. This was significant, because it was the first time in my memory that I was willing to admit to myself that I thought a girl was pretty. After taking this momentous step in my emotional development, I decided to take things another step forward and let her know that I liked her. I was, at that point, still too shy to tell her myself, but a friend offered to tell her for me, and I consented.
Katie's reaction to this information was... perhaps "revulsion" is a bit too strong a word.
Perhaps not.
Hold on... do you hear that? I do believe it's the sound of CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT. And if I'm not mistaken, it is the chord which has been the unifying theme of every experience I've had with women since.
Remember, now, this was in the third grade--the age at which "girl germs" were the most terrifying threat imaginable, and the worst fate one could endure was having one's name included in the song "So-and-so and the-other-one, sitting in a tree..." So, not only was I faced with the disappointment of liking a girl who wanted nothing to do with me, but that information was OUT THERE, for anyone to know and use against me. I don't specifically remember if anyone ever actually made fun of me for it, but it was an embarassment, nonetheless.
Suffice it to say, things never went anywhere with Katie. In fact, she even punched me in the groin once. For no better reason than the fact that I was sitting on my desk with my legs spread, kicking them out and making weird noises. I guess I can't really blame her for it; it must have seemed like such an easy target, and I'm sure the sight of me was more than a little offensive. But still.
So that's the story of Me and Katie. I was hoping to include a little more in this episode, but I think I've gone on long enough for now. I know, I know; you were expecting some hardcore pr0n. Patience, patience: it only gets better from here.
Before I wrap this up, though, let's consider what we've learned today. The single most valuable lesson in tonight's story is quite obvious:
1) Never, ever let anyone know how you feel about them. Ever.
If only I'd remembered that when... no, no; we'll get to that part. In the meantime, sandwiches and cool sheets.
First and foremost, I want D.Levine Industries to be a place of learning--for you, for me, for everyone. After all, what good is it to stockpile ridiculous amounts of trivial information if we cannot glean at least some wisdom from it? To that end, at the conclusion of each post, I'd like to reflect back on my inane ramblings and petty whining for the day and try to determine what truth may have been revealed therein. Since I didn't get to do this for my first post, I'd like to take some space here to go back over it.
So, what did we learn from "The World is a Safe Place?" I believe there are two very important lessons to be found in this modern parable:
1) Reality can never live up to the expectations of the imagination.
2) Trying to help others leads only to embarassment.
Not exactly spiritually uplifting, I suppose, but very important lessons, nonetheless.
Okay, enough of this sentimental crap, let's get on to the hardcore stuff!
I've decided to begin telling this history from when I was in third grade. I suppose this somewhat diminishes the completeness of this chronicle, since certainly I have memories of females before this period. It was in third grade, however, when a particular series of events... how shall I say... set the tone, for basically every intergender relationship I've had since.
Her name was Katie, as I recall. She had brown hair and olive skin. At some point during the school year, I came to the conclusion that I liked this girl, which is to say, I found her attractive. This was significant, because it was the first time in my memory that I was willing to admit to myself that I thought a girl was pretty. After taking this momentous step in my emotional development, I decided to take things another step forward and let her know that I liked her. I was, at that point, still too shy to tell her myself, but a friend offered to tell her for me, and I consented.
Katie's reaction to this information was... perhaps "revulsion" is a bit too strong a word.
Perhaps not.
Hold on... do you hear that? I do believe it's the sound of CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT. And if I'm not mistaken, it is the chord which has been the unifying theme of every experience I've had with women since.
Remember, now, this was in the third grade--the age at which "girl germs" were the most terrifying threat imaginable, and the worst fate one could endure was having one's name included in the song "So-and-so and the-other-one, sitting in a tree..." So, not only was I faced with the disappointment of liking a girl who wanted nothing to do with me, but that information was OUT THERE, for anyone to know and use against me. I don't specifically remember if anyone ever actually made fun of me for it, but it was an embarassment, nonetheless.
Suffice it to say, things never went anywhere with Katie. In fact, she even punched me in the groin once. For no better reason than the fact that I was sitting on my desk with my legs spread, kicking them out and making weird noises. I guess I can't really blame her for it; it must have seemed like such an easy target, and I'm sure the sight of me was more than a little offensive. But still.
So that's the story of Me and Katie. I was hoping to include a little more in this episode, but I think I've gone on long enough for now. I know, I know; you were expecting some hardcore pr0n. Patience, patience: it only gets better from here.
Before I wrap this up, though, let's consider what we've learned today. The single most valuable lesson in tonight's story is quite obvious:
1) Never, ever let anyone know how you feel about them. Ever.
If only I'd remembered that when... no, no; we'll get to that part. In the meantime, sandwiches and cool sheets.
posted by David R. Nevel | 6:34 PM
1 Comments:
Yikes, that is a bummer. As long as we're reminiscing, it sounds like both of you were more advanced than me, I don't think I got past the "ewww" stage until sixth grade. And I totally understand how the fear of social repurcussions can be far worse than the pain of rejection itself.
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